The Tories have announced new plans to see Britain through the stormy waters that await HMS Brexit outside the single market – and it can only be described as an imperialist wet dream.

Britain is set to submerged further into the murky abyss of Brexit when Parliament votes on the EU Withdrawal Bill this evening.

But not to worry, the Government has a cunning plan: getting more ships to fly a red ensign flag.

Apparently: “This will be good for the UK, helping boost trade and exports, create jobs and ultimately boost the economy across the UK.”

Maritime minister John Hayes has been given the job of begging crews to indulge Britain’s imperialist renaissance at next week’s London International Shipping Week.

According to this morning’s press release, they will be offered tax breaks, consular support and the protection of the Royal Navy.

Riding the wave of nationalism, Hayes proclaimed:

“In Britain’s post Brexit future we will grow the Red Duster, forging new global relationships.

“Our ship register has a special significance and our flag is of distinct quality.

“Unfurling the Red Duster shows Britain’s maritime leadership to the world. Once again Britannia rules the waves and the UK will be a dominant maritime force.”

Finally the Tories hit back at claims they’re seeking Henry-VIII powers over Brexit by revealing their plans are inspired by a more modern monarch:

Ever feel like you’re on a sinking ship? 

  1. Where#s the money coming from to support this grand ambition and why hasn’t it been supplied to support the NHS? We also have an aircraft carrier without aircraft. What about support for social care and essential Publc services? This bunch have all their Priorities wrong.

  2. Oh, those fluttering Red Ensigns in British Ports that are owned by a private consortium registered in Guernsey will make us proud.

  3. Offered protection by the Royal Navy…ffs! I’d be better protected by carrying a fucking fish slice than by the UK’s armed forces, today.

    Aircraft carriers without aircraft, destroyers with electrics that totally conk out once the radar screens or fire control systems are switched on…Trident missiles that cant even launch properly… And that’s without counting the fleet of 6 AWACS planes that have been obsolete for years anyway.

    Need I mention the parlous state of the ground forces as well?

    I’ll bet Vladimir Putin, Xi Jinping & Kim Jong Un, et al are all shittin’ theirselves at the thought of more ships of the ‘merch’ being ‘protected’ by our navy…

    Jesus wept.

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