Yesterday, in what might be the year’s most laughable excuse for policy failure, Owen Paterson blamed the need to extend the badger cull on…the badgers themselves. Apparently they “moved the goalposts”. Watch…

So, obviously the internet rallied around to do what it does best – make government ministers look even more dumb than they already do. Here’s a rundown of Scrapbook’s favourites.

1. The Badger Van

Huffington Post combined two of Scrapbook’s favourite things – mocking Owen Paterson and mocking Theresa May.

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2. The Excellent Photoshop

This unnervingly realistic creation comes from campaign group Devon Against the Badger Cull.

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3. The sneaky badgers

Because if you paid attention in school, you’ll know badgers are nocturnal creatures, so obviously they’d move the goalposts in the dark of night. This is from comic artist Sydney Padua.

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4. The dead tree press catches up…

It wasn’t just the internet queuing up to rip strips off Paterson. The Telegraph’s Matt offers an alternative explanation for the badgers ability to evade their enemies.

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5. The video game

Now this was in a league all on its own. Professional internet toymakers UsVsTh3m came out with this fiendishly difficult game alarmingly quickly after the quote emerged, and it’s brilliant.

Badger game

If Owen Paterson’s job is even half as hard as this game, we almost feel sorry for him…

 

  1. We’re the government of England!
    We rule this mighty land!
    And the laws we make in parliament
    Are statutes that will stand;
    But in some crucial areas,
    We must admit defeat;
    For some badgers moved the goalposts
    (They really are quite sweet…)

    When it comes to ruling Britain
    The experts all agree
    The thing that really matters
    Is our economy;
    But the books will never balance
    Without God’s intercession,
    For some badgers moved the goalposts
    And caused the last recession!

    The thinking man agrees,
    On the Clapham omnibus;
    When talking of catastrophes,
    – It’s the badgers’ fault, not us!
    Lost your home, your job, your pension?
    Facing almighty odds?
    It’s not us you need to mention –
    Blame those furry little sods!

    We can’t stop the war in Syria,
    We can’t stop it in Iraq,
    We can’t stop it in Afghanistan,
    Or bring our soldiers back;
    Because nasty, warlike, badgers
    Will invade the MOD,
    And launch our Trident missiles
    While drinking Earl Grey tea.

    If your library has closed down,
    Or your granny’s social worker
    Has failed to bring her meals on wheels,
    Then blame the furry shirker
    With its stripey Marxist snout,
    And its snuffly Marxist nose,
    The badger lives on benefits,
    Its curtains always closed!

    If you think that our performance
    Gives cause for your complaint
    Just remember it’s the badgers!
    Because, in charge, we ain’t!
    You can’t expect the competence
    That marks the ruling clarse,
    When all our aims are sabotaged
    By badgers up our arse!

    Oh how could DEFRA’s experts
    Miss, that when it comes to guns,
    The badger’s very sensible –
    It sees one, and it runs!
    We’re three weeks short on quota
    There’s nowhere near enough;
    For the badgers moved the goalposts
    And we’re wedged up our own chuff.

    Well, if those naughty mustelids
    Must pee on our dear dream,
    At least we can console ourselves
    With England’s football team!

    [Epilogue]

    It should have been so simple
    To triumph overseas
    But the badgers moved the goalposts
    – And we lost on penalties!

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