It’s not often that the Scrapbook team proclaim ‘Oooh aaah Daily Star’ as they discover their story of the day, but the esteemed red top yesterday found space amongst their oiled bosoms and “goss” to record the birth of a new political party.
When asked if his English Defence League were planning to field candidates in local and national elections, Tommy Robinson confirmed that they “aren’t ruling it out. I think this country needs a party that’s not afraid to say things some would consider unpopular.” Perhaps forgetting that the Liberal Democrats have already beaten him to this, Robinson believes that he has what it takes to lead his gang of reprobates to power.
Whilst this prospect may appear unlikely, it seems the former BNP acolyte is already making plans for his easy stroll to Number 10. “Tommy Robinson” is the pseudonym of Stephen Yaxley-Lennon, a convicted violent criminal who renamed himself after a notorious Luton football hooligan. This alter-egoism places him amongst a select group of international statesmen including Pol Pot (real name Saloth Sar), Kim Il-Sung (Kim Song Ju), Joseph Stalin (Ioseb Bessarionis dze Djugashvili) and George Osborne (Gideon Oliver Osborne).
Prime Minister Yaxley-Lennon would have no shortage of candidates to fill his first Cabinet. Red hot favourite for Foreign Secretary would be Alan Lake, who spends his weekends travelling around Europe preaching to far-right organisations. However, if this meandering speech to the nationalist Swedish Democrats is anything to go by, the great parliamentary speakers of our time shouldn’t have too much to worry about. Once he he’s finished fumbling around with his microphone, he stokes the frenzied atmosphere by promising that:
“Some of the things I will say are obvious”, and “I’m going to go very quickly, don’t worry if you don’t remember all of it”.
Should they reach Whitehall the EDL’s tactics may also cause them to incur the wrath of Sir Humphrey. The group have an unerring ability to fill those hard-to-come-by prison cells: 48, 50 and 90 of their members were arrested during recent day-trips to Manchester, London and Nottingham respectively.
The Daily Star conclude their report by announcing that a staggering 98% of their readers agree with the EDL’s policies.
Not even the Lib Dems can match that.