Tag Archives: lembit opik

Lembit Opik to hold wrestling match outside of Parliament

4:32pm Sat February 23rd

Publicity hungry philanderer Lembit Opik is to participate in a wrestling match outside Parliament. The spindly-limbed former MP will take on a champion heavyweight wrestler in a bid to highlight the case of a controversial “kill or be killed” self-defence guru who has been banned from the UK by the Home Office.

Opik has already organised a series of Skype conferences for MPs with Tim Larkin, who trains his clients in ”the lethal application of force”. While Larkin attempted to charm MPs with his “peaceful way of the warrior” philosophy, Scrapbook can only assume someone in the Home Office is wise to his scaremongering sales techniques and guidance on how to gouge out someone’s eye:

“You’re not going to touch his eyes with your fingertips — you’re going to put your hand through his skull, driven home with your entire mass. You’re going to get your hand wet to the second knuckles in his eye sockets.”

The stunt will be the third time Opik has entered the ring since he was dragged into one still wearing his suit (video below) after deciding to pick a fight with an 18-stone gentlemen going by the name “Kade Kallous”. Opik was stretchered away with cracked ribs after facing Kallous in a ”rematch” in June of last year.

A pantomime for credulous children, a “professional wrestling” ring seems a most suitable venue for Opik’s particular brand of attention seeking.

Video: watch Lembit get his ribs cracked »

MC Shapps: housing minister performs rap at karaoke

11:35am Mon April 30th

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Those not reading the Guardian over the weekend may be unaware that housing minister and Eric Pickles sidekick Grant Shapps fancies himself as a hip hop MC — even performing a rendition of Sugarhill Gang’s Rapper’s Delight for interviewer Simon Hattenstone:

What’s his speciality? “Rapper’s Delight.” Well let’s hear it then? He looks at his minder, uncertainly. “Well this is not for broadcast,” he says. And he’s off, fast and furious. There’s no stopping him. “I said a hip-hop/ Hippie to the hippie/ The hip hip a hop, and you don’t stop, a rock it … Now what you hear is not a test – I’m rappin’ to the beat … ” Do many other ministers rap? “I haven’t compared notes, actually. In fairness, the version I do is the short version; it’s only 10 minutes.”

We can only speculate whether karaoke was involved during Shapps’ all-expenses-paid junket to Sweden, during which he hit the town with the notorious Lembit Opik.

What happens in Malmö stays in Malmö.

Lembit Opik puts on bizarre stand up, poetry, arm wrestling show

5:53pm Thu July 21st

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Everyone’s favourite Segway riding electoral failure, Lembit Opik is hoping to combine his campaign to become Mayor of London with the other passion in his life – stand up comedy.

Opik, whose debut comedy performance was awarded a charitable two stars by the Guardian, is to appear at Islington’s George Orwell Inn tonight, presenting an evening of stand up, poetry and…arm wrestling.

The bizarre event is to include a performance of a “song and dance written in his honour”, before Opik challenges members of the audience to an arm wrestle. William Kherbeck, the 33 year old poet who arranged the performance, said “I continue to be shocked by how far he is willing to push things.”

If the above wasn’t enough to get you out of the house, let Scrapbook whet your appetite yet further with a video of Lembit dying a terrible death at last year’s Glastonbury.

Lembit takes the stage at 6pm – Entry is free, and the performance is expected to be worth every penny.

Lembit Opik outlines urine strategy for Liberal Democrats

11:55pm Sun May 8th

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Lembit Opik
Lemit Opik is currently on Sky News’ paper review, where it took him less than two minutes to say something stupid:

“Nick Clegg is putting some clear yellow water between us and the Conservatives.”

At this time of crisis for the Liberal Democrats, its reassuring to hear the kidney function of the Deputy Prime Minister is not in doubt.

Lib Dem candidate fails to mention party until PAGE SIX of leaflet

12:07pm Tue April 12th

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With the mainstream media picking up our story on the curious absence of Nick Clegg on Liberal Democrat election literature, Scrapbook’s attention has now been drawn to a leaflet which neglects to mention the party at all until the sixth page.

In what may set a new political record for the fewest mentions of party affiliation in an eight-page pamphlet, Wyn Williams is variously described as:

“A local campaigner”
“A Montgomeryshire Man”
“Montgomeryshire’s Assembly Candidate”
“A charismatic individual”

The leaflet — which is also notable for its vomit-inducing “lifestyle magazine” presentation — eventually makes fleeting acknowledgements of his association with the Liberal Democrats on, erm, pages 6 and 8.

In what must be close to another record, Williams includes 24 photos in his literature and in only one can you spot the hitherto ubiquitous orange “winning here” signs. No mention either of the former Montgomeryshire MP, Daily Sport columnist and current Mayor of London aspirant, Lembit Opik.

Perhaps their collective bout of insanity from 1997-2010 is a sore topic in northern Powys.

Lib Dem establishment attack on expenses to derail Mayor Lembit

11:42am Mon March 28th

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A weak voting record on expenses has become the latest ammunition in the Liberal Democrat establishment’s bid to stop Lembit Opik securing the party’s nomination for London Mayor. Claims made by the “flamboyant” former MP included a £2,500 plasma TV screen — but he also voted against tightening up expenses rules.

In a blog backing Assembly member Mike Tuffrey for the ticket, Lib Dem Voice co-editor Mark Pack claims Opik has been “nearly invisible” to members in London before going on to attack his pedigree on financial transparency:

In 2009 he was the only Lib Dem MP to vote against a measure to tighten up MPs’ expenses (requiring receipts for all expense claims), the only one to vote to keep the second homes allowance for outer London MPs and was also one of only four to oppose a tightening of the rules on declaring outside interests.

In contrast, Scrapbook would relish the prospect of any contest with the dual buffoonery of both Boris and Lembit.

The blog posts would virtually write themselves.

Lembit for Mayor!

1:14pm Tue March 1st

10 comments

Lechourous Daily Sport columnist and aspirant London Mayor Lembit Opik is back with a new campaign video, casting the former MP as the star of the BBC comedy series Citizen Smith.

As The Indy’s diary column observes wryly, Wikipedia’s description of the series has relevance to Opik beyond comedy:

Citizen Smith starred Robert Lindsay as “Wolfie” Smith, a young Communist “urban guerrilla” living in Tooting, South London, who is attempting to emulate his hero Che Guevara. Wolfie is the self-proclaimed leader of the revolutionary Tooting Popular Front (merely a small bunch of his friends), the goals of which are “Power to the People” and “Freedom for Tooting”. In reality, he is an unemployed dreamer and petty criminal whose plans fall through because of laziness and disorganisation.

Life imitates art, eh?

It should come as no surprise that London Liberal Democrats have delayed their selection process by “up to a year” in a bid to stop him.

Does Grant Shapps have Malmö syndrome?

2:11pm Fri December 17th

6 comments

Last year, the National House-Building Council organised an all-expenses-paid junket to Sweden for MPs on the All Party Parliamentary Group on Sustainable Housing, for which NHBC provides a secretariat. Politicians on the jolly included Labour MP Gordon Banks along with the then opposition housing spokesmen Grant Shapps and Lembit Opik.

In an extremely boring corporate video produced following the trip, NHBC’s chief executive Imtiaz Farookhi set out the purpose of the excursion, which encompassed the Swedish capital Stockholm in addition to Malmö on the southern tip of the country:

“We’ve had some very intelligent and searching questions and debate with our parliamentary colleagues. Clearly, that was the objective.”

Scrapbook has been reliably informed that Farookhi’s ambitions for the trip were not shared by some members of the delgation, who were more interested in entertainments on offer after hours. Indeed, Swedish cities would boast a wealth of distractions – not to mention relative anonymity – for British parliamentarians.

Grant Shapps has previously described local authorities as ”so dependent on central control that many have developed a case of ‘Stockholm Syndrome’”:

Stockholm syndrome [ˈstɔkːˈɔlm sɪndroʊm] noun
feelings of trust or affection felt in many cases of kidnapping or hostage-taking by a victim towards a captor.

But perhaps Shapps’ own ailment could be described thusly:

Malmö syndrome [ˈmalːmøː sɪndroʊm] noun
when you can’t remember what you got up to with Lembit in Sweden.

Rumour has it that some members of the group were led astray by the former member for Montgomeryshire.

Can readers shed any light on the events of 24-26 September 2009?

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