After the excitement of Ed Miliband’s winning debut at last week’s PMQ’s, today’s version was always likely to be a damp squib. With the Westminster Village waiting expectantly for the Spending Review announcements, it deteriorated into the irrelevant squabble its detractors claim it to be. The only point of note was the PM’s refusal to reveal his views on Chairman Mao’s political philosophy, despite a personal plea from the increasingly excitable Speaker. With today’s announcements certain to hit the poorest hardest, can it be assumed that the Tory hidden agenda is to recreate the Great Leap Forward?
Once these formalities were over, the carnage could begin in earnest. The scale of the horror was too much, even for Danny Alexander, who was forced to hide behind Gideon throughout his speech. Presumably this will enable him to campaign against these policies during the next General Election campaign by insisting he wasn’t present at their announcement. After revealing deep and widespread cuts to the welfare state and most public services, Ozzy sought to improve the national mood by confirming that the A11 from London to Norwich would be improved by linking it to the Thetford Bypass. Sensing that the people would be overwhelmed with joy at this groundbreaking development he went further, confirming the Tories’ intention to build a road bridge over the River Mersey. This delighted everyone apart from the Union of Scouse Ferrymen, who have demanded an independent inquiry.
Further good news was provided with the announcement that the Diamond Synchrotron is to be saved. Judging from the puzzled looks on members’ faces, few were aware of this machine, nor of its relevance to the national interest. Dr Dave doesn’t fully understand what it is either, but it seems capable of increasing savings made through Child Benefit reform from £1.1 billion to £2.5 billion in a matter of days. These transformative powers may also explain the recent skid marks left by the Lib Dem hierarchy as they renege on their pre-election promises at will. It now seems certain that, only minutes after agreeing to coalesce, Clegg, Cable and Alexander were drugged and kidnapped by Tory henchmen, whisked off to the machine and processed through it, emerging as bona fide Conservatives at the other end. With such incredible power, it’s no wonder that Osborne has refused to slash its funding. There may, however, need to be further investment in the Synchrotron’s software if “the whole nation” is to look forward to the Diamond Jubilee in the way that the Chancellor expects.
So, with the route to East Anglia secured and dry passage across Northern rivers now possible, Gideon sat down to receive hearty pats on the back from Dave and an unidentified wee ginger fellow who was shielding his face from the camera. It was the least he deserved after condemning 500,000 public sector workers to the humiliation of unemployment.
One thing is certain, there will be plenty of diamonds available for Osborne and his millionaire colleagues to play with long after these policies have plunged thousands into poverty …
… assuming he doesn’t use them all to fuel his synchrotron, of course.
