Cabinet minister Iain Duncan Smith met Miss Essex and spent the whole time staring at her breasts, it has been claimed. Twenty year-old Chingford resident Amber Zakrzewski triumphed in the county’s beauty pageant in March, after which her MP arranged a meeting in an attempt to recruit her to the Tories.
Having previously attempted to elicit details of the meeting with the aid of a £280 magnum of Grey Goose vodka, The Sunday Times’ (£) Taya Gold finally got Zakrewski to spill the beans at a society polo meeting:
“Her reticence cracks and she finally tells me something interesting about her meeting with Duncan Smith, which is he stared at her breasts for 20 minutes.”
IDS even invited her to the House of Commons — to see PMQs, of course.
10 Comments
He probably thought they were two long lost brothers of his.
TBH do we believe or care what Miss Essex says
Dont all men do that when talking to her. Probably makes the whole process of listening to her go on about world peace, working with children, and really wanting to be a singer more palatable.
Is that part of the Work Capability Assessment?
Pete: Curse you, I’ve just sprayed tea all over my desk.
Probably thought it was part of an ATOS assessment
She is heading for Miliband’s office special adviser
Robert, go back to sleep!!! numpty
Dear Victorian Miriam,
I am a professional, God-fearing, married gentleman, but I was recently moved to perform a sordid act of personal pollution upon my virile member, wherefore a most dreadful guilt is preying upon my mind.
I am 58 and have been married for nearly 20 years with four children . Until recently my wife performed her marital obligations without complaint. However, in the past year she has become most conjugally unaccomodating and thus I have found myself increasingly physically frustrated.
Last week I retired to the drawing after dinner with the intention of imbibing a balloon of brandy, and found myself unaccountably fixated by the elegant leg of the pianoforte. Unbidden I became roused to a state of tumescent passion by the firmness of it’s round curves, and the delicate pertness of its finely carved ankle.
Before I could help myself, I had dropped my breeches and wrought a foul act of onanism upon my turgid person, divesting myself of my base spendings all over the mantlepiece and everywhere.
Miriam I am beracked by remorse of my weakness, yet at the same time I feel tempted to sin again in spite of my penitence. Please help me as I fear for my soul.
Iain Duncan Smith Tory MP Chingford & Woodford Green
Your fears regarding the welfare of your soul are well founded, for the road upon which you have embarked will surely lead you to the fires of hell itself. Next time you feel to despoil your parts of shame, try taking an icy bath or sharply rap the bellend of your unmentionable with a cold silver kedgeree spoon to dampen your ardour
With apologies to ” Viz ” comic
Dear Victorian Miriam,
I am severely vexed that my dear husband may have been pursuing a secret life that is threatening our marriage. We have been wed these last twenty years and until recently have been blessed by the good lord with a state of matrimonial harmony.
However these few weeks past he has been behaving in a way strange to his previous manner, travelling to Whitechapel each night and returning in the early hours covered in blood.
Whilst going through his portmanteau, I discovered a leather apron, a butchers knife of exceeding sharpness, miscellaneous human organs and an ink bottle filled with a congealed red fluid of some sort.
Miriam I am afeared that my husband is Jack the Ripper, but I don’t know what to do about it. Please come to my assistance, as I know not the correct direction in which to turn.
Betsy – Chingford , Essex
Your husband certainly appears upon first glance to be Jack the Ripper, yet notwithstanding this may I caution you not to jump to any unwarranted conclusions. Indeed there may be a perfectly simple explanation for his eccentric behaviours.
Sit down and talk to him earnestly. Enquire of him in a frank manner whether he has started murdering prostitutes in the east end of the capital.
If you are still worried send a penny-blacked addressed envelope for my leaflet “I think my husband is Jack the Ripper”.
With apologies to ” Viz ” comic