All eyes are on Iowa tonight as the race to find a Republican who can beat Barack Obama officially begins. While you wait for the first results to come in, let Scrapbook introduce you to the candidates.
Mitt Romney
Likes
State mandated healthcare – In 2006, during his stint as Governor of Massachusetts, Romney established the Massachusetts health care insurance reform law, which became known as Romneycare. Romneycare requires every Massachusetts resident to obtain health insurance, and provides free insurance for those on low incomes. Sound familiar?
Hates
State mandated healthcare – Since launching his bid for the presidency, Romney’s been keen to put some distance between his law and Obamacare, which was such a hit with the GOP base.But according to MIT economist Jonathan Gruber, who played a key role in developing Romneycare: “they’re the same fucking bill. He just can’t have his cake and eat it too. Basically, you know, it’s the same bill. He can try to draw distinctions and stuff, but he’s just lying.”
Ron Paul
Likes
Individual liberty – In May’s Fox News debate, Dr Paul admitted his commitment to individual liberty extended to, among other things, prostitution, heroin and cocaine. The audience response led Fox anchor Chris Wallace to exclaim, “I never thought heroin would get applause here in South Carolina!”
Hates
Looking after people – During the CNN debate, Wolf Blitzer asked Dr Paul what an otherwise healthy man who chooses not to buy health insurance should do if he suddenly gets sick and can’t afford the bills. He squirmed a bit, especially in the face of calls from the braying tea party audience to “let him die”, but he essentially agreed. “That’s what freedom’s about, taking your own risks. This whole idea that you have to take care of everybody…”
Rick Santorum
Likes
Pizza Ranch – he has held 33 separate campaign events at outlets of the eatery chain. So many, in fact, that the Manager of the restaurant in Boone, Iowa named their chicken saladafter the Pennsylvania senator.
Hates
Sodomy – Not satisfied with blaming the Catholic church sex abuse scandal on “liberalism and relativism” in a 2003 interview, Santorum went on to equate consensual homosexual sex with incest, adultery, paedophilia and bestiality. In response, an online campaign emerged looking to…bring new meaning to Santorum. You can find out how by Googling it, but we wouldn’t recommend it.
Jon Huntsman
Likes
New Hampshire – “I don’t care what the rest of the country thinks or feels.” Huntsman, formerly US ambassador to China told a town hall meeting at Portsmouth Elks Lodge in November. “That’s not important. I do care about what the people of New Hampshire feel, because this is important”
Hates
Iowa – He’s not even turned up to campaign in the hawkeye state, telling whoever will listen, “They pick corn in Iowa, they pick presidents in New Hampshire.”
Rick Perry
Likes
Don’t ask don’t tell – Confronted by a gay teenager about his opposition to openly gay people serving in the military, Perry declared homosexuality to be a sin. In an attempt to make up for it,he said he “hates the sin” but “loves the sinner,” which probably made her feel better.
Hates
Remembering things – In a lapse of memory which may have cost him the nomination, Perry’s frozen brain recalled two of the government departments he had pledged to slash, but steadfastly held on to the third. The best save he could come up with was ”oops!”
Michele Bachmann
Likes
Clowns – “John Wayne was from Waterloo, Iowa,” Bachmann told a crowd in the cedar river city. “That’s the kind of spirit that I have, too.” Unfortunately John Wayne (the movie star) was born in Winterset, three hours south of Waterloo. She’s probably thinking of John Wayne Gacy, who raped and murdered at least 33 teenage boys in Waterloo in the nineties, while dressed as a clown.
Hates
Iran – So much does Bachmann hate Iran, that she told a campaign event in Iowa that the Iranian embassy would be closed on her watch. Fortunately the US hasn’t had a functioning embassy in Iran since 1980. She also said in an August radio interview that the American people were concerned about the rise of the Soviet Union.
And last but not least…
Newt Gingrich
Likes
Family values – In December Newt accepted an endorsement from Donald E. Wildmon, chair of the influential American Family Association, who praised him for recognising “the threat to our country posed by judges and lawyers imposing values upon the country inconsistent with our religious heritage.”
Hates
Family values – Newt married his high school sweetheart Jackie Battley in 1962. And by high school sweetheart, we mean geometry teacher. According to Esquire, Gingrich served Battley with divorce papers while she was in hospital recovering from cancer in 1980.
The following year he married Marianne Ginther, who he began a relationship with while he was still married to Battley. Gingrich divorced her in 1999, shortly after she was diagnosed with multiple sclerosis. During the divorce proceedings Gingrich admitted to a six year affair with congressional aide Callista Bisek, who he later married.
As far as Scrapbook is aware, Callista Gingrich is in fine health.
One Comment
I thought Gingrich and Perry had failed to garner sufficient nominations for this caucus?
An astonishing collection of wingnuts (excepting Huntsman).
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