With Ed agreeing with Dave and Dave agreeing with Nick, our resident sketch writer turns his attentions to the new line up for PMQs:
After the first few dreary minutes of yesterday’s PMQ’s, it was hard not to drift off and daydream that we were back at school after a long summer break. The necessary obituaries were recited by the new head boy, and a sombre atmosphere was created as the pupils remembered the deceased. Senior Prefect Clegg sat behind his new best friend and nodded furiously like a puppet with an intermittently rigid neck. At one point he almost toppled into Cameron’s rear end, such was the ferocity of his flexion. Happily, it was soon Miliband Minor’s turn to speak, whereupon he recited the same list of fatalities as his opposite number but with a stammered stutter. In case viewers had forgotten that such nerves were to be expected during the first day at a new school, the BBC was on hand to provide a caption confirming his relative youth.
The precocious EM attacked purposefully, helpfully pointing out that Dave had scored “nought out of two” in regard to questions answered. Just as he was hitting his stride, Headmaster Bercow stomped in and requested that The House desisted from “chuntering, hoping to catch the eye of the Speaker”. Having not watched his Blind Date videos for a while, Johnny B is still labouring under the misapprehension that ‘chuntering’ is a valid flirtation technique. Confident of his allure he began to heat up and play the hard man: “People should stop the shouting, the public hate it!” he shouted.
Remaining calm in the face of such self-righteousness Ed turned the screw a little tighter. He ridiculed the PM on his pre-election promise not to reduce child benefit, made on a Cameron Direct visit to Bolton. “I agree with the Prime Minister – why doesn’t he?” he demanded, winningly. With Ed agreeing with Dave and Dave agreeing with Nick, at least everyone was now in agreement and could proceed to make the world a better place. We were then transported back to the schoolyard once again, though this time everyone was wearing funny hats and playing wiff-waff. “I’m not going to flannel you, I’m going to give it to you straight” was presumably a quote lifted from Cameron’s time as an Eton prefect, rather than a pre-amble to his earlier pledge. George Osborne sat to his right in quiet contentment, yearning for those halcyon days.
Throughout this japery the head of football’s governing body FIFA, Sepp Blatter, sat up in the public gallery and gazed down on the chaos. It must have been most peculiar for him to be amongst men more corrupt than his own minions, but I’m sure he’ll get the hang of it. All too obviously, a pointless question about England’s World Cup bid was asked, allowing DC the chance to advertise his enthusiasm for a sport he hadn’t heard of until last May. In the background, the behemoth Pickles could be seen explaining the concept of football to David Willets, who in the context of Kevin Davies’ recent debut must be a shoe-in to replace Wayne Rooney in 2018.
To conclude, a Tory asked a question about gypsies, DC was confused by a man with a regional accent, and we learnt that he was weaned on Claire Rayner. It was all very perfunctory.