Labour Party secures comprehensive defeat of government coalition (at rounders)

Labour has claimed victory against the Coalition in its first big test since the election by defeating the government team in the, erm, Inter-Party Parliamentary Staff Rounders Competition. The match, refereed by official sporting body Rounders England, saw the government humiliated after failing to score a single point in the entire game.

Tradition of the annual fixture sees Labour pitted against the Lib Dems and the Tories but the bonhomie of “new politics” had Tory and Liberal bag carriers planning to field a joint Coalition team. In a curious parallel with reality, however, no Liberal Democrats turned up, leaving the government side completely dominated by Conservatives.

With the first and second balls of the match seeing Labour fielders catch batters out the Coalition’s game fell apart in front of them, notching up an impressive score of zero. It was left to PLP office staffer James Barge to dispatch the single rounder required for victory, which he did on the first ball of coalition bowling with a “blinding” hit into the outfield.

The competition has been a better determinant of electoral success than any psychic octopus or crocodile with the winning party of the summer rounders competition (without exception) going on to form the next government. Labour’s 2004 triumph was a year later by victory in the 2005 general election. The Tories and Lib Dems shared the spoils in competitions leading up to the 2010 general election.

David Cameron has been put on notice(!)