Government to repeal football laws

DPM Clegg mimicking the soon-to-be extinct celebration of former footballer Alan Shearer

David Cameron’s waxwork figure Deputy Prime Minister Nick Clegg this week revealed the Your Freedom website, which allows voters to suggest which laws they would like to be repealed in an effort by the coalition to extend civil liberties. The first laws to be abolished are those of football. Mr Clegg said:

“As creators of the laws of football, we retain the right to repeal them. Following the dismal performances of the England team in South Africa, the Government intends to action this right, removing all football laws, and thus the game itself, from existence and restoring the freedom of many Britons not to be regularly humiliated on the world stage.”

Reaction in the footballing community has been mixed. England midfielder and phantom goalscorer Frank Lampard told reporters:

“It’s a shocking decision, which ultimately has cost us the game.”

Manchester United and England forward Wayne Rooney was more philisophical, however:

“At the end of the day, we’ve given 110%, but we haven’t performed well enough. When it comes down to it, it’ll be disappointing not to earn obscene amounts of money while loads of other people lose their jobs and stuff, but like, I’ve probably got enough now anyway. At the end of the day, like I said, it’s the Deputy Prime Minister’s decision and you’ve gotta go along with it.”

The decision has been met with universal acclaim in Scotland and Wales.